Here we showcase BBLSS members' creativity, insight, epiphanies, and advice.
New To Same-Gender Loving - DBD
Glad to see you’re confessing your desires openly. That's a very early step in self-awareness. I understand your desire, but you asked for advice so here it goes.
In reading this and your previous posts, I think it would be best if you hold off on being physical with another woman right now. You should take more time to be completely comfortable with yourself before seeking the comforts of another woman. It's not as simple as you may think. Strong desires have a tendency to make everything seem quite easy if they were just fulfilled; but it's not, especially not with women. Sit back and view the interaction between same gender loving (SGL) women. Ask plenty of questions. Consider your life with respect to your feelings and desires. I know you’ve probably done some of this on your own, but now that you're here amongst friends, do it again. There is a breadth of knowledge and experience on this board. Exhaust it before you delve into the wonderful world of women! While we are here because of the comfort of having a safe space to freely discuss our sexual orientation, we are people needing balance in life also. By that, I mean we encourage self-awareness, self-confidence, empowerment, sistahood. So, continue your self-reflections and love yourself, your whole entire self. Loving women does not make you a bad person.
A Mother’s Influence - DBD
My first love was a female and, for reasons including my mother's fear, or uneasiness, about my sexuality, I took a chance on a guy. Didn't think anything would come of it, but it turned out to be great while it lasted and I ended up having a child about 8 years before I planned...too early!! Finally got my mother's doubts about my heterosexuality gone, or so I thought. Now that it's all over, I'm back to square one! Dating women! Now, my mother knows. When she found out she left me a message on my cell telling me that she loves me no matter what, but still will not bring up the subject. She still treats me the same and tells me she loves me and everything, but won't bring up my love life. I find it odd since she was all up in my love life until then! That's a good chunk of why my last relationship failed and I am where I am now!
Either way, if [your daughter] is more female identified, then she will end up there at some point. If my mother was more accepting, I'd already be in medical school and probably would've graduated from undergrad with a 4.0 easily, instead of just trying to stay above a 3.5 with a child and two jobs until May. Not that this would happen to your child, but when life happens, sh*t happens, and you never know how far a little support could go in changing the path of a loved one's life!
A Good Wife - MT
A good wife is a woman who is fully committed (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically) to her marriage and her spouse; places love, respect, understanding, and trust for that spouse over any other irrelevant/outside emotion; and remains focused on the promise of future while learning from the good and bad elements of the past.
Bisexual VS Bicurious - MT
The term "bicurious" is heterosexist because it assumes that heterosexuality is the norm, and every other feeling is abnormal. Thus, when you have those feelings, you must be "curious" about something abnormal or deviant, until you act upon it and prove it is real or fake. No one asks heterosexual virgins if they are "heterocurious". I think the reason people who "know" they are bisexual and have had either same sex encounters or same sex relationships might stay away from someone who has not is the same reason some heterosexuals won’t sleep with virgins. I know I don't. First, don't want to be a “test run” for someone—I prefer people with experience because I don't have time to teach. Second, I don't want to risk being etched into someone's memory as their "first" anything because, 13 years later, I still remember every detail of my first and he was MANY partners ago. I slept with a dude who lied about being experienced and now, 7 years later, he still manages to try and reach out to me, ask me what went wrong, etc. Blah.
Lifestyles - DT
I am feeling you. I wish I had something intelligent sounding to say but I simply don't. I had a small fight with a friend about lifestyle choices: bisexuality being a very gray area and polyamory vs. monamory as a chosen lifestyle. So interestingly rude that those who claim to wish to escape the stronghold of global white supremacy only retreat into the assumed spirituality of the ancestors without accepting ancestral lifestyles that are - hello - "alternative" (groaning and rolling eyes at that stupid word). I look at those particular scholars and lecturers as only marginally learned. So shoot me.
I had an awful day. Monamory vs. polyamory is under siege in my life from the people I love most - those who started off most accepting. Selfishness. I hate that idea. Sexual lifestyles are under siege for no good reason. Who are these critics? They are threatened by our decisiveness and deliver their fear to the masses on silver platters. Phooey to them all, critics and asses alike. I mean masses.
Blessed be the catch-all group of loving arms placed before us. Because the secret longings of our hearts and minds remain safe. Loving this safe place.
Sorry for the ramble. After a good night's sleep I should feel ready to deal with tomorrow's assholes with a whole new perspective. Maybe I can even slip off a judicious and well-deserved "f*ck you" to somebody and make life worth living all over again. Try it some time, you might even like it.
Resigned to weariness and fading off to lala land, I remain your crunchy DT, tantric goddess of sacred black love.
See, even sacred goddesses like myself get frustrated. I hope in my pain I'm at least amusing. I'll be nicer later. Check with me next week.
More on Bicurious - RS
I think people who are out of the "curious" phase remember and have felt the effects of those who never made it. So they aren't really trying to take chances if they can't separate emotional and physical feelings or they see you can't.
Actually, that might be good, because then you have time to really search yourself, go slow and see if you’re more than curious. Take time to fully "research" what you are curious about (or as fully as you can). It's like gourmet food. You may be curious about a dish that someone takes time to prepare, but if you just take one bite and send it back to the kitchen, well the chef will be a little offended! For both, women and food, it ain't just something to put in your mouth 'cause it looks good.
Because there are TONS of people who won't act like being bi-curious is a disease. No. They will gladly eat your ass up, ask for seconds and leave without paying the bill. LOL. Plenty of gay women have tragic first girl stories because there are plenty of gay women who just want to be the cause of them.
Biological VS Emotional Sexuality - MT
I'm wondering, though, how often we differentiate between the biological and emotional understandings of so-called sexuality. Personally, I absolutely believe it is possible to love or be in love with people of the same sex without having to be biologically bisexual. In that sense, the behavior is learned and conditioned, but the instinct simply does not exist. I also believe that this can be found among many women who "turned" gay when they got tired of men. Are they truly biologically bisexual/lesbian? Or did their personal experiences make them think of things differently and behave in manners that are unnatural to them, but become warm and comforting?
I don’t like labels either. I think people should love who they want and have sex with whom they want to have sex. I wish society would stop trying to categorize everyone if it isn’t going to do anything productive with those categories. So you like women. Great! You may always like them and never enjoy sex with them. You might find that your attraction is based on strong emotional attachment and a sense of comfort. I’m sure some will disagree, but for me that isn’t an absolute indicator of sexuality. Same goes for gay people. I can't tell you how many gay people I've encountered who tried to convince themselves that because they could have emotional feelings for someone (without an inkling of sexual desire) of the opposite sex, they must not really be gay. WRONG! You're gay dude/chick! If your genitalia isn't tingling and the lust isn’t growing, either you're not "attracted" or you have some medical condition or prescription(s) in your life reducing your libido. LOL.
Accepting Bisexuality - RS
My thoughts on bisexuality...truthfully, I think more people are bi than gay or straight. They just become either or because society says it's "greedy" to be bi. Which is pure bullsh*t, because ever since I have been bi, I get way less anything than when I was "straight."
I am bi, with a preference for women, but men respond to my "aggressive" nature more. I often run into curious or non-accepting "gay" women hoping to play around with me, or gay women, thinking bi means I am not accepting of me, I am untruthful and cheating with men, or bi isn't really gay. They seem to use it as an excuse to treat me less like a woman. One of the first women I was interested in said that me being bi was a phase, and I was really gay. Which was similar to older persons telling me that liking women was a phase and I really liked men. When in truth, for the past years I have held women at a different or higher standard than men. I treat them as I want to be treated, where men...I really sometimes could care less. But I still like them and can have a relationship with some of them.
I believe these are also things that cause bi women to appear straight or gay. They are often not taken seriously, even when they take their sexuality seriously. It is easier to lie to folk about who you are, straight or gay, not bi, than to tell the truth. People prefer lies, even when they say they want the truth which, within the African American culture, as well as many minority cultures, is obvious. (This is a completely different topic I won't go into.) I see it with bi men and women who tell me they are straight or gay and later I find out different. I think it is easier to change your story depending on whom you are talking to, somewhat like a job interview. LOL. I just don't interview well unless you are truly accepting of me....
Bisexual Invisibility - RS
I hesitate (and have hesitated in the last 6 years) in dealing with a man because of the lack of respect I give to them. They honestly don't reach the level that I want, or can get from MANY women. I know it would be unfair (and quite ugly) to treat someone dirty, even though I still meet and have been attracted to many men.
What bothers me about women like your friend is that I have seen so many women identify as lesbian, yet they have men on the side. Somehow, some way, I ended up hearing their confessed secret that they had a little (or very big) d*ck on the side but no one knew. Even worse, many of these lesbian women treated bisexual women unfaithfully and disrespectfully only to justify it by saying the woman is bisexual, therefore they could not be trusted. This disappointed and angered me as often I was the one in the group being berated for identifying as bisexual. Yet I was just openly truthful. I know how to lie, I just don't (or try) not to do it.
It's funny, because I think of how many lesbians, including your friend, miss out on women who would bring much so much to their life if they were less judgmental. Sorta like, I don't know, heterosexuals not judging someone as less of a person because they are gay. But you know, they say we are all under the same umbrella, but I damn sure feel wet.
Loving Men and Women - SDW
I am a two-spirited woman who has loved both men and women. I have been with a woman for the last 9 years in a beautiful, passionate and fulfilling loveship. I think men are gorgeous and wonderful in many ways but don't know if I can ever handle the psychological games a woman has to play to be with a man in a loveship. Though I’ll never be in a situation where I have to give up me to love or be loved, I do love to spoil my wife to the max with baths, good meals and you know what else….
I say honesty, self-love, embracing truth—this is what frees us….